Did that headline catch your attention? I hope it did, and I hope it shocked and surprised you! Surely in this day and age there can’t be anyone who would stop children with additional needs or disabilities, and their families, from being able to access church; anyone who would exclude them from all that church offers; anyone who would prevent them from belonging to the church community, can there? But sadly, this does happen all too often and some of the people responsible might surprise you!
People in church leadership, including children’s and youth workers, can be responsible for deliberately or unwittingly excluding children with additional needs or disabilities from their church. Deliberate acts could be saying to families with a disabled child that, “This might not be the church for you.” or suggesting that they look after their child in a separate room of the church building away from everyone else; the not too subtle point being made that any different behaviour or communication that a disabled child might express is of little value to the church or to God, and is a distraction and annoyance to everyone else.
Jesus didn’t say “Let the little children come to me… except that one who can sometimes find things harder to follow and so needs extra support, can often struggle with lots of people and noise so needs help to cope, and can occasionally find it all overwhelming and so needs understanding at these times… that one isn’t invited…” Jesus didn’t say that at all, in fact, as he rebuked the disciples, he said “…and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these.” All of them, no exceptions…
So why, for the love of God, did I receive this message a while ago from a friend who shared the experience she and her family had at their church that morning (I’ve anonymised it, but it doesn’t take away any of the impact…)
“Hi Mark, I wanted to share with you what happened to my family today because I want you to know how much your work is so badly needed and I hope as a result of what you are doing that this never happens to anyone else. I always keep my children in the service with me as they don’t enjoy Sunday School at all. I take them myself as my husband is ill with depression and has not been to church with us for over two years.
Today one of the workers came over and asked my daughter if she would like to come to Sunday School as they were making cards. (She) said no but (my son) got off his seat and went through with the other kids. As I went to sign him in I was told by the Sunday School leader that he was not welcome in Sunday School and they would not take him. I had to try and explain to him why every other child in the church is welcome but he isn’t and try and get him back out the room and into the church service without a meltdown. That was a huge challenge.
I was delighted at (my son) finally wanting to go to Sunday School and while I understand he requires more support than others, I feel that the whole situation was dealt with badly and has put me off going back to church. This is an (denomination mentioned) church who have actively tried to include (my daughter) in things such as welcoming duties and taking up the offering. It sure seems they are happy for (my daughter) to be there but don’t want (my son). Sorry for venting but today more than ever I am so grateful for the work you are doing in churches and hope it prevents other parents being told their child is not welcome. Thanks for listening…”
I trust that you are now, like me, furious about how this family was treated, how utterly wrong the Sunday School leader was, and how much damage has been done as a result. Most of our human feelings and emotions come from a place of either ‘fear’ or ‘love’, and I realise that often reactions such as that displayed by the Sunday School leader come from a place of fear; fear of not being able to manage if things unravel, fear of not being able to cope and provide the support and help needed. I’m a children’s worker, I understand that fear, I recognise it, I see it often; it is a human fear born out of thinking that it is all on their shoulders, all their fault if it goes wrong… But it doesn’t have to be that way, we need to be better than this.
Unwitting acts might be failing to lead culture change in the church to become inclusive, or not protecting families who are verbally, or even physically, bullied by members of the congregation (yes, this does happen!!) It can be as simple as not following up with a family that haven’t been seen in church for a few weeks, or continuing to say “Let’s stand to worship!” when there is a child who is a wheelchair user just in front of them (by the way, a great phrase to use is “We’re going to worship now, please stay seated, or stand, as you prefer. God really doesn’t mind!”)
Members of Church Congregations
I’ve written before about the ‘Unholy Trinity’ of church congregational bullying of families that have a child with additional needs or disabilities, but it is worth reminding ourselves of them again:
The ‘Tut’ – A sound that is so short, but which can leave a lasting impact. People tut when they disapprove of something, or someone; when they wish to show distaste or dislike. A ‘tut’ can be like a dagger to the heart of a family of a child with additional needs. It condemns, it judges, it articulates opinion in a cruel and harsh way. When trying to support a child who is overwhelmed and having a meltdown, the ‘tut’ says to parents “You have failed to control your child and now you are inflicting their issues on me, and I disapprove…” That simple sound can be so hurtful… but it is often accompanied by…
The ‘Look’ – A harsh stare often follows the ‘tut’; a glowering, accusatory, frowning, purse lipped look that makes families with children with additional needs want to hide from the glare. It reinforces the sense of helplessness and hopelessness that the family will be feeling as they try to help and support their child, just at a time when what they really need is kindness and understanding. But then often the third part of the bullying ‘triple whammy’ comes swiftly along…
The ‘Loud Comment’ – After the ‘tut’ and the ‘look’ often comes the loud comment, ostensibly aimed at someone nearby, but made loudly enough to be heard by the family (and probably most of the church congregation!) It can frequently start with “Well…” and continues with something like “if they can’t control their child they shouldn’t bring him into church…” (control is just about the last thing possible during a meltdown), or “I wouldn’t put up with bad behaviour like that if she was my child” (this isn’t bad behaviour, it’s could be a response to sensory overload).
I could add many other examples here, perhaps including the ‘Smug Smile’ when the family drag their distressed child out of the church so that they aren’t subjected to any further abuse. Many of us have seen people do one or all of these things in our churches, seen the impact it has had on families and their children; we can see how our churches, our churches for goodness sake, might add to the stark statistic that at least 60% of children with additional needs are bullied… Does it break your heart? It certainly breaks mine…
We need to be better than this, to model a better way to the rest of the world, to make a positive difference to that statistic rather than adding to it. It needs change; change to come from the top, from those with positions of responsibility in our churches. Good practice needs to be preached, and poor congregational behaviour needs to be challenged.
We need to see the ‘tuts’ turned to offers of support and help, the ‘look’ to become one of friendship and encouragement, the ‘loud comment’ to be “how can we help you?”
“What?” You might be crying? “Why would parents stop their own children from being included in church?” Well, and I speak here as a parent of a disabled child myself, we can sometimes be our own worst enemies… Parents can and do exclude themselves, and their children, from church for a variety of reasons, including but not restricted to these:
Assumptions about lack of inclusion
Sometimes parents can make assumptions about the lack of provision at a church before even trying it out. Perhaps it is because so often inclusion is something that has to be battled for, we end up assuming the worst so that we aren’t constantly disappointed. An ex-boss of mine had a variety of favourite phrases, but one of them was “Assume makes an ‘Ass’ out of ‘u’ and ‘me’.” Sometimes he was right, and in the case of parents making assumptions about the inclusion provision in churches, sometimes we can be pleasantly surprised. There are excellent churches out there that take accessibility, inclusion and belonging for all seriously and do a great job in enabling this to be the experience for everyone. We’re building a list and map of these churches on the Additional Needs Alliance website, you can see it here: http://additionalneedsalliance.org.uk/inclusive-churches/ If you would like to add a church to the list, the link to do it is here: http://additionalneedsalliance.org.uk/inclusive-church-signup/
Fear of being judged
Perhaps it’s not a surprise, from the examples given earlier about how church leadership and church congregations can behave towards families with a child with additional needs or a disability, that they can feel judged and so exclude themselves, but some parents can do so even before giving a church a chance. Perhaps they have heard a bad story from someone who tried a church somewhere else and so the belief that “They are all the same.” forms. The reality, though, is that churches are not all the same, as the links in the paragraph above show. Church can be a place of belonging for all, a safe place where no-one is judged and where everyone can be who they are without fear.
Jesus was bullied, was ridiculed, was treated harshly, so he understands what families with children with additional needs can go through. Perhaps that is one of the reasons that he reminded us of those verses in Leviticus 19:9-18 which he summarised as “…and love your neighbour as yourself.” (It’s worth reading the whole Leviticus passage, it’s good thought-provoking stuff…) Loving our neighbour as ourselves talks about fairness, justice, generosity, righteousness, forgiveness, and honest to goodness loving…
So, let’s follow this teaching and let it change us, change our church leadership, change our congregations, change our churches, and change the experience for many families with children with additional needs and disabilities…
First, and most importantly, this isn’t all down to us… The same Jesus Christ who said “Let the little children come to me…” longs to help us, to give us the same love to share that he has for each of us. To give us the skills and ability to cope and give unconditional love to each child in our care, whatever their needs. He does rather like to be asked… and we all too often don’t.
Secondly, he puts people around us to help… We don’t go on this journey alone. It is so important to learn from others who are a bit further down the road from us. They may be in the same church (parents/carers, people working in education or healthcare, etc.), they may be in a nearby church (other children’s/youth workers)… we rarely seem to connect with the other churches in our area to see what they are doing, but there may be a wealth of knowledge and support there just waiting to be tapped into.
Thirdly, there is wider support out there! My friend mentioned the work I do, but there are others who share the same passion to make a difference, to equip children’s and youth workers with the skills to enable them to accept, include and create places of belonging for everyone! Have a look at the ‘Partners’ tab of www.additionalneedsalliance.org.uk for a few examples of the services we offer, or search for ‘Additional Needs Alliance’ in Facebook.
We can do better, we must do better… Jesus didn’t just say important things, he did them; he modelled them in his life so that we could follow his example. He included everyone, no one was left out; in fact he actively accepted and included many that the world rejected… and so should we…
As Jesus himself said, “Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these.” (Matthew 19:14)
20th September 2018; updated 12th August 2019
Let ALL The Little Children Come To Me
‘Tuts’, ‘Looks’ And ‘Loud Comments’: Let ALL The Little Children Come To Me (Part 2)
Bible passage used in this blog post: Holy Bible, New International Version®, NIV® Copyright ©1973, 1978, 1984, 2011 by Biblica, Inc.® Used by permission. All rights reserved worldwide.
Image rights: © Collage created by the author
18 thoughts on “Who Stops Disabled Children From Being Included In Church?”
This is shocking. Personally when a parent is struggling I wish I could help… I have a daughter who would only wear flimsy, strappy sandals one summer and I desperately tried to find her some suitable school shoes. We went to so many shoe shops over several weeks but no joy. I felt her teacher tutting and so waited for her to comment, at which point I would have handed over child and credit card and said “I’ve tried – you sort it!”. She never did though. The looks aren’t always disapproving but they can feel it.
Oh yes, it is not only children with additional needs that can be excluded…
Hang in there – your posts are always really interesting and challenging to read. Thank you.
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My husband and I are both ordained ministers in our church, when our disabled child was of the age for baptism, we were told she didn’t need baptism! But we insisted stating if she could talk she would ask to be baptized. They still refused. We baptized her at a church camp and the leadership of our confrgation refused to attend. We no longer go to that church, we now do street ministry, no judgement here.
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Our church offered to pay for a sitter for our special needs daughter so the rest of us could go to church as a family……..I appreciate they offered an alternative but my daughter lives to be around other kids, hear books being read and stories being told!! It breaks my heart that she will not have the Sunday school experience! 😢
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I have mixed feelings on this. In our last church there were a number of disabled congregants and it worked just fine, some who had been brought along from the local residential home, and two who came with their families. But as they were older they were for the most part happy to sit with their families or carers. In those circumstances inclusion works just fine.
My daughter, on the other hand, is six and will not sit still for a moment. She’s completely uninterested in the toys provided in the children’s corner and much prefers either to be hugging everyone in the congregation, or inspecting the musical instruments, particularly the drum kit. There’s absolutely no point me taking her to church under those circumstances (we have tried!) as I spend my entire time policing her and am not able at all to take part in the service. There are no churches locally with creches, let alone enough volunteers to provide her with a one to one.
As a result, I’m currently working with our local diocese to figure out how we can set up a church specifically for people with special needs and their carers to attend. I want my daughter to be able to spend the time doing exactly what she wants to do without worrying about where she can or can’t go, or what she might break, or who she’s trying to hug now. And I want her friends to be able to do the same. I want the parents and carers to be free to know that they are in an environment where EVERYONE understands and they can totally relax and enjoy the service.
What I don’t want is for my daughter to be the token disabled person, ‘included’ so that everyone else can feel good about having an inclusive church. It needs to work for her first and foremost. She shouldn’t just be used to tick a box marked ‘inclusivity’.
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Reblogged this on Making an ass of myself and commented:
I blog about being an adult with autism in church.
Here is a blog I have come across from the perspective of a parent of an autistic child.
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After I rebogged this I have had a reply on Facebook, where I publicised the blog, saying that our Anglican church, http://www.holytrinityhuddersfield.com/ , was a good place for her autistic son, the blog was also found by a google search for ‘churches that welcome aspies near me’.
We could do with a data base of known safe churches which are safe for disabled and neuro-diverse children, as many do not come up to even barely adequate.
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Thank you! 🙂 We’re building the very database you speak of here: http://additionalneedsalliance.org.uk/inclusive-churches/ Early days yet, but hoping this will grow and be a real help to meet the need you’ve identified. If you would like to add your church, please do so here:
We used to go to a very lovely church where we were very happy there, and where, the vicar’s own son has autism and special needs. Yet, when his peers were allowed to go to a foodbank, he was not allowed despite being a role model in special school and church and my begging repeatedly, explaining time and again, that he has no challenging behaviour. The leader was adamant & firm. She said he could not go on health & safety grounds since he might get a meltdown? This is sad because an ‘inclusive’ church even if it includes you on Sundays and midweek, but would not allow you to serve in such a simple and small way with your oeers when your parent has communicated a strong conviction that you are able, thereby depriving you the opportunity to grow into servanthood, well, that is not truly inclusive, is it? No church is perfect, of course, but inclusion does include the opportunity to serve and grow into Christlikeness, not just specialist babysitting while your patents worship, do you agree?
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Yes, Tess, I do agree… Everyone should have the opportunity to be actively involved in their church. True belonging means that you have the same opportunities as everyone else, that you have the same say as everyone else. Being able to serve is a vital part of Christian development… when Jesus said “Go out into the world and make disciples of all peoples”, he didn’t exclude anyone!
We totally understand’ we have two special needs kids, now young adults. They were never allowed in regular classes, never invited to outings, birthday parties. We even had issues with them being baptized, saying they can’t ask for baptism, but my husband and I are ordained ministers in this church!! Fear, not being or wanting to be educated. We no longer do “church” we do street ministry, homeless or others that are unwanted in a building call church!! Very very sad
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Thanks for sharing your story Karen, sadly all too familiar. Great to see that you are still involved in ministry though, reaching out to the marginalised and vulnerable… I seem to remember Jesus doing similar! 🙂
Yes, Karen, you are spot on: what stops a SEND child, teenager or adult from serving Christ, however simple & small the capacity/role is – fear. When a vulnerable person is allowed to serve, it is not potential embarassment, it is a testimony to the world at large that we love/care for their (the least of the least) wellbeing and growth, more, than we care for our own personal embarassment/church reputation of what others might think IF the servant messed up. The fact that, there can be a (1) sound risk assessment by all concerned, and the fact that the vulnerable person (2) volunteers to serve & is (3) invariably supervised by and serving alongside a parent or professional carer – all these facts – are often overlooked & forgotten due to overwhelming, thought-paralyzing fear of the unknown. Fear is the real reason; fear is the sole barrier. To counter that very real fear of and for vulnerable SEND persons, we all need to pray more and more for faith in God to prevail as we make disciples of “all” not some as pointed out by Mark. What a testimony of love, faith & hope – this new boldness – to unbelievers when they visit!
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Amen to that Tess! It seems that all emotions root back to one of two, either love or fear… and love conquors fear!! 🙂 “There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.” 1 John 4:18
Thanks for your comments. We started a soup kitchen and a few of our regulars wanted to have a weekly service at the kitchen. We would leave the topics up to them, sometimes it was housing, voting, a communion service. It was about them and we would share a small meal after. One of our “ministers” was a young man with developmental disabilities, he loved the Lord so much he would preach to anyone around! We all loved him! It was a rich experience for all!!
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I also think that parents of newly diagnosed children struggle to fit in. The church in general doesn’t seem to know what to do about us. It’s very isolating and you often feel like they are judging you—what did you do to have a kid with that kind of problem, etc.
My daughter has physical needs—leg braces and hearing aids—but is cognitively on track. I’ve struggled with the looks and the thoughts of what people may think of her. I’m now pregnant with our 2nd and worry about the judgement I may receive if our next one has issues as well.
I think if we saw more special needs people in the church who were accepted and embraced it would make the experience of diagnoses and church much more inviting.
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