As a parent of a (now grown up) child with additional needs myself, I know from experience how valuable the role of grandparents can be in keeping many families with children with additional needs going.
When James was growing up, his grandparents were there for him, loving him for who he is, supporting him and us, and giving us a much needed break from caring as often as they could. They took James for days out, came with us on holidays, and tagged along if we were going to events. We honestly would have been lost without them.
I realise how fortunate we were, this is not everyone’s experience, but for us the grandparents were a lifeline. Even when they became too old and infirm to help much, they would still come round and keep the connection with James; my Dad enjoyed doing jigsaws with James almost until the end.
If you are a grandparent of a child with additional needs, you can be the difference for your family between coping and crashing. Here’s some things that you can do:
1. Be present – James has had very different grandparent experiences between his two sets of grandparents; one set that were there for him, one set that were not. He has had a great relationship with the former that the latter have really missed out on.
2. Be available – Sometimes you can plan when you can be involved, but sometimes there can be a need to be available ‘now’. Now might mean a journey to get there, it might mean suddenly changing plans, but when you get that emergency call it means the world when you are willing to just come.
3. Be non-judgemental – families, and children with additional needs, face judgement all the time; they don’t need it from grandparents. There might be time for some helpful advice, but in the middle of your grandchild’s meltdown, probably now is not the time!
4. Be an advocate – fight just as hard for your grandchild as his or her parents are. Your grandchild needs everyone to be an ally and advocate for them, to use whatever means they can to help get the support/funding/school place/etc. that they need.
5. Be consistent – you will be an anchor for your grandchild; someone they will hold tightly to when the storm rages. Don’t change, be that familiar, consistent, loving, person that they look for when things are tough.
6. Be fun – you get the chance to have great fun with your grandchild; take it! Go for exciting days out, have sleepovers, treat them to wonderful home-made food that they love, have a great time! Do stuff they wouldn’t normally do (James loved going to his grandparents allotment!) Make amazing memories for your grandchild and yourself.
7. Just ‘Be’ – be there, be a part of their lives, don’t let life get in the way, they are only children for a fleeting few years, cherish the time you get to be a grandparent for them.
And thank you; thank you for being a grandparent to your grandchild with additional needs; thank you for the difference you are making for your family. It really is life changing in all the right ways.
On behalf of additional needs families everywhere, thank you!
Mark
The Additional Needs Blogfather 